If i come over, it means nothing
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
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