well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Randomize
