Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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