So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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