Dude my mom stole all your condoms
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Randomize
