Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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