Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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