Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
