He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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