i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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