never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
