yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Randomize
