Even water is tasting like jack daniels
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
