i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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