so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
