I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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