so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
