just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I think I just sharted jello shots
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
