What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
