I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Randomize
