Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
