dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
