shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
