K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
