I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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