I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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