A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Randomize
