My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Randomize
