If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
