Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Randomize
