Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
