can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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