HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
