Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
