may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
