Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
