I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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