Need sex. Gaining weight.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
3 2 1 whiskey
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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