all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
