When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
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