First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
