Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
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