Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Randomize
