someone threw a dead crab at me
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
