fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
