Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
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