this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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