On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
ugly people sure do ruin things
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
