Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
They are going to name an STD after you.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
