I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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