just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Randomize
