The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Are my feet made of real feet?
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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