it was like his penis was on wheels.
I could make wine with my vomit
two words: eviction party
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
