Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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