was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
