Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
