Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Randomize
