Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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